living with infertility isn't a choice living your no news in secret is
It took me almost 2 years to openly share that I have unexplained infertility and in that time, I really struggled. I think the biggest struggle was just how secretive everything around it felt and I realized this:
For those not hanging out in the boat of infertility, the wait to let the world in on your life typically last 12 weeks, when it's "safe" to share your news. However, when living with an infertility diagnosis there is no set "safe" time to share your no news. So how do you know when it's time to open up?
It kind of sneaks up on you, at least that's how it played out for me. During the first 6 months of "trying" we weren't even really paying attention to the logistics of it all. We wanted to have a baby, we thought it would be easy, so we had fun doing what we had to do! But after half a year of no news, a few question marks started to pop up, so we sat down to make a new plan and gave it another go. This time we were more calculated and precise, but slightly less fun. Then the 1 year mark hit and so did the reality of what could be happening. We made the appointments with out doctors, headed off to an RE, and had the initial screenings conducted. For the first time in a year we got some news - everything is fine and there's no reason why we shouldn't get pregnant!
After that news we gave it a few more months on our own before jumping into assisted reproductive techniques and medications. When the first one of three failed, I couldn't hold my pain in anymore, so I told it all to whoever would listen.
why we wait
In the months leading up to me sharing about our struggle to start a family, I had several moments of being on the fence in why I should and shouldn't tell. At the time, I had many friends becoming pregnant including a few that shared in my struggle before eventually joining the "future mom tribe." After a lot of coffee talks, Google searches, journaling, and infertility groups, this is what I learned: 1. We don't share our no news because this might be the month we have news! 2. We don't want to be viewed or treated as broken 3. We don't want crappy unsolicited advice...like "elevate your hips after sex" 4. There is no "good time" to share 5. We don't want to let our families down 6. We don't want our friends who have children or are expecting to feel uncomfortable 7. We literally don't know how to bring it up in everyday conversation without sounding weird 8. We have a new strategy to try and want to give it a go before throwing in the towel 9. Sharing that we're struggling feels like throwing in the towel 10. We're afraid to open up about it because opening up about it is a form of acceptance
when it's time
For me, I knew it was time to share my no news when it was more painful to pretend that I was in control than it was to admit Brian and I were struggling. I didn't know that would be my reason, but it was. The pain of pretending that we were in no rush or that we wanted to travel before kids became overwhelming every time I found myself staring at another negative pregnancy test.
But here's the problem with that theory, my timeline and experience over the last 2 years is not a set timeline for everyone. Your experience will be different from mine, and that's a really wonderful thing. It may take you more or less time to feel that the pain of saying nothing outweighs the vulnerability of saying something, and when you finally do, you will feel raw but you will feel a weight lifted.
#adventureinspiresadventure + adventure coach
Isolation in our infertility is one of the worst things that can result in the journey. Remember that you're not alone and that opening up about your story, your adventure, will inspire others and help you, too.
Still feeling stuck in taking that leap? Check out the Pay-What-You-Can Coaching as an option to help you break the silence of infertility and more.